*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
You can’t rush stupid.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.