No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m aging like a fine banana
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what