He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.