google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.