I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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just pretend nothing happened
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
me, after any kind of buffet.