This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
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My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this