They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara