Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My dad.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no