My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Anyone want a chair?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
“You’d better run, egg!”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.