What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest