[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you