Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks