Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When they try to steal your moment.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
A drum solo but on your face.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”