Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor