lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life