WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The symmetry is uncanny.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up