Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I told my vodka about you.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.