I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
You Might Also Like
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me