Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.