*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?