FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.