Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
What’s a Messi?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.