11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time