Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.