Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??