3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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Saint West, the patron of selfies
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.