Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.