Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’d use my best pan on you.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.