The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY