[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace