judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
can’t catch a break
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you