Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.