didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
the saddest jazz hands ever
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*jingles half the way*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion