What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Anime is real
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Vodka burrito was a success
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”