Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me