Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I mean…but I did
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency