Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
2023 was just a warmup
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship