Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My favorite farside!!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.