half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
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HERE’S MARKY
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.