There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.