If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
The cake is mightier than the sword.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip