why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
What if the weather talks about us?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?