A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰