Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: