I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Lmfaoooooo
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I have so many questions.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird