computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors