With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A new level of troll.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
This is no longer winter this is harassment
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”