I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??