Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
This is my favorite one of these!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
c’mon!
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.