My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.